#30daysofvulnerability2017 #cancercaregiver #badwidow #day29
Running on fumes… down to the studio to move stuff around, lunch with a friend, back to sleep, two days of exhaustion and getting impatient with myself for it. Spending so many days at the studio for the sale last week was emotionally draining.
I let someone take a pair of Dave’s calipers which I love and now I feel foolish but I want them back. She had two of them, all of them, and I took one back but I want both. I can see him measuring a head with them for a portrait demonstration. They are tied to a dear memory. And I knew at the time, felt nauseous at seeing them in her hand, but did not honor my feelings. Aargh! Embarrassing…
My younger cousin died on Saturday morning and I regret not being there for him. It’s weighing on me. Even though there’s little I could have done. Even though many days I don’t have anything left for anyone else.
I remember complaining to David about a month before he died that I wanted to get a pedicure. He said, “Go get your nail polish. I can do it. I’m an artist after all.” I was busy and didn’t know where the nail polish was in the apartment. I wish I had dropped everything and found it, claimed those moments with him. Now it’s too late.
Regrets bite and I am both angry and sad. So I sleep. Today I am a bit depressed. And life goes on.