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When do I go UP? This is such a rollercoaster but the ride goes down so much more than it goes up and I’m sick of it! I keep thinking that at some point this pervasive sadness will morph into joy again, my natural state. There are moments of happiness but they don’t stay and there isn’t a reliable upward trajectory. The first two months, I cried usually 5-10 hours a day but the months after that, 3, 4 and 5, were not good but better. I cried every day but not for hours and am functional in short spurts. I began the BadWidow blog in January and have been sporadically creative since then. The sixth month, I was a total wreck. Monday marks the seventh month since David died. I have been going out with friends and family but I am heartbroken when I get home. I walked all the way home tonight, about 40 blocks, because I needed to feel my body and be out with people and activities, even if I’m not a part of them.

I try to provide ideas and solutions in my blog but all I can do with this is endure, keep reaching out to those who love me and know in my head, if not in my heart, that this too shall pass. I am so very tired.